Understanding the Normalcy of Parental Anxiety
Many parents experience anxiety about their children’s safety, and it’s important to recognise that these feelings are a normal part of parenting. However, some parents may excessively worry about the possibility of losing their children or that they might come to harm, even when there is no real danger present.
Overcoming the Fear of the Unknown: Managing OCD in Parenting
While it is a testament to the powerful bond between parent and child, where the need to protect and keep them safe overrides all other concerns, it can become obsessive due to the unknown and uncontrollable aspects of life, creating overwhelming anxiety. The parent may develop obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), characterised by obsessions and compulsions. Their obsession may involve constant doubts about their child’s safety, while the compulsion refers to repeatedly checking that the child is safe.
Recognising these doubts without letting them control our behaviour is a decisive step. Overcoming OCD involves understanding that, in reality, while the loss or harm revolving around our children is a possibility, the facts are that they are safe in the present moment. Your senses tell you that. Even when you can’t see, hear, or touch them—such as when they’re asleep in bed or at school—it’s important to ask yourself if worrying excessively about their well-being is worth it just because you can’t perceive them directly. Living in the present, focusing on the here and now, can help manage these fears.
Managing Real-Life Situations vs. Fear-Based OCD
When we face real-life situations, our responses are based on the circumstances at that moment. We use our natural ability to assess and adapt, which helps us manage the anxiety that comes with those challenges. By responding in this way, we can confront problems directly, demonstrating our capability to handle real-life issues effectively. However, when we face an OCD situation, we become trapped in the fears tied to our obsessions. Anxiety takes over, leading us to perform compulsions in an attempt to prevent catastrophic outcomes and alleviate anxious feelings. Realising that your anxious feelings stem from irrational fears can help you take charge of your thoughts and actions in the moment. This awareness can help you shift back to rational thinking, allowing you to better perceive the reality of your situation.
Personal Experience: My Battle with Parenting and OCD
When my child was school age, I started to experience OCD related to magical thinking. It evolved into an obsession that something terrible could happen to him if I didn’t do certain behaviours. It happened whether he was at home, where I knew he was safe, though I still feared that something could happen to him, such as falling down the stairs or choking on his food. The behaviours I did were to constantly monitor him and check that he wasn’t in any danger. On the days I dropped him off at school, I would worry right up until hometime, where I would see him come out of the school gates towards me. Other days, I waited for a dreaded phone call to say he’d had a life-threatening accident.
These experiences were both terrifying and exhausting. In my attempt to cope, I suddenly realised that I was displaying anxious behaviours. I started straightening objects and towels, making sure they were exactly aligned, or something bad would happen to my child. One day, I straightened the towels on the kitchen rail until they were dead straight. Then I headed for the door to go collect my child from school, and I hesitated. I wavered because OCD threatened that if I didn’t go back to the kitchen and ensure the towels were definitely straight, a terrible thing would happen to him, and it would be all my fault.
Several months later, I ran to school late because of this repeated straightening. On the way there, OCD wanted me to return home to check the towels. Even though I was scared about not returning to check, I said to myself, “You’re not going back, you need to get to the school gates on time.” I stopped running, my legs were weak, and I didn’t think I’d make it on time, and I was right. So, turning up late at the school gates, my anxiety was so bad I thought I’d collapse. Among the children leaving the school grounds, there was no sign of my child, and I thought, “If only I’d gone back and straightened the towels once more. How could I put my child at risk? What sort of a parent does that?”
More schoolchildren were running to the gate towards their parents. Some were already out of school and getting into cars or walking away from the school with their parents. A few kids were still making their way to the exit, but there was no sign of my child. By this time, my anxiety was through the roof. I was waiting for a teacher to come and tell me the worst. Moments passed like hours. I wanted to go to my child’s classroom and check the worst, but I was frozen on the spot. My whole body was shaking. Not only that, I avoided going to his classroom as I feared hearing the news I dreaded the most: that my child had died.
Images went through my mind of the harm he may have come to, and I couldn’t bear it. The playground was empty. I was standing alone. A few more minutes passed. I don’t know how I was keeping myself upright, as my knees were buckling under me. I wanted to cry, but couldn’t. It felt like I was in shock. I continued berating myself, asking why I hadn’t obeyed that command in my head one more time. That one more time could have saved him. Then, suddenly, I saw him. He ran towards me, a big smile on his face. I was so overwhelmed, I didn’t know what to do. He was late because he’d gone to the toilet. It was that simple. The relief I felt in that moment was indescribable. It was a reminder that sometimes, the worst-case scenarios we imagine are just that, scenarios, not reality.
Letting go of Doubts and What-if Scenarios
Later, I reflected on my thoughts and behaviours. I didn’t know I had OCD, but I knew there was a ‘monster’ in my head threatening me. I started to realise that it had no power to harm my child if I left the towels unchecked or refrained from seeking constant reassurance. My child is now an adult, and I look back on those days and realise that the present is what mattered, not the hypothetical worries that tormented me. Living in the present, rather than in the theoretical fears of the future, is a powerful coping strategy. It gives you the chance to enjoy your child and parenthood in a completely different way. You appreciate the here and now instead of panicking about the doubts and what-if scenarios.
Empowering Parents Struggling with OCD
Like me, many parents struggling with OCD often worry about their effectiveness as parents or think that constant worrying is necessary to keep their children safe. Letting go of excessive worry doesn’t mean you’re not caring; in fact, it can allow you to be even more present for your kids. These feelings of worry and anxiety are not a reflection of your capability, and OCD doesn’t determine your reality. The key takeaway is to move away from irrational thoughts and unhelpful behaviours, and to ground yourself in the present moment by using your senses and practical judgement to guide your thinking.
Treatment: A Directory of Therapists
For those seeking treatment for OCD, the International OCD Foundation (IOCDF) is a valuable resource. This organisation provides a directory of therapists specialising in various evidence-based treatments, including cognitive-behavioural therapy, exposure and response prevention, inference-based cognitive therapy, and mindfulness techniques, among others.
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